SO I’ve always believed in being different when it comes to training, since being average gets average results, not exceptional results. I’ve been training some people for a couple of years to compete in marathon and half-marathon races competitively, and have come up with some pretty unique training methods to get them to the finish line faster than everyone else. Here is an outline of some of the most effective methods for improving run performance for my athletes and recreational runners.
1. Run 30km in the first long run of the season with nothing but a bottle of Gatorade and a Mars bar. Bonking builds character, and once you start to hallucinate you don’t feel pain anymore.
2. Pre-race nutrition consisting of a Moutain Dew slurpee and an 8-ball of coke. Because nothing will make you feel invincible and increase neural recruitment like a few ounces of Columbian pure chased by pure sugar and coloring coursing through your veins.
3. Giving them an iPod with nothing but Justin Beiber, Miley Cyrus and Heidi Montag music on it. They can’t turn it off until they finish the run. My PR for a 20km distance with this method is 18 minutes. Then 16 hours of therapy.
4. Eating nothing but cheese during their run. Who needs gels? They’re for pansies. Juice?? Wussy sissy hippy crap.
5. Three words: Rocket Propelled Shoes. It worked for the Coyote chasing the road runner. Then it didn’t
6. Whatever the hell this guy is on.
Seriously?? When you’re so big you can’t even wipe, it’s time to call it a day and put down the dumbells and protein shakes.
There is absolutely no scientific basis backing up any of these training methods, just a lot of anectdotal evidence and waivers. But it only takes one person winning the Boston marathon in less than an hour and a half (Diane??!?) to start a trend.
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