This goes in the annals as one of the funniest client stories I have ever had, and I swear to God it’s 100% true.
A client I worked with a few years ago was a very sweet woman in her mid-fifties. For the sake of her anonymity, we will call her “Louise.” Now, Louise was a very nice, but somewhat naive woman who sometimes said things she didn’t think through properly ahead of time. One day we were working out, and I asked her about her weekend. What she said almost set me on my butt, but don’t believe your first impressions.
Me: “So, how was your weekend?”
Louise: “Well, I had to shave my pussy.”
At this point I kind of stumbled and didn’t know quite what to say. There was a guy nearby who overheard this and dropped his dumbells, he couldn’t believe that had just come from someone like Louise.
Me: “***Awkward silence that needed to be broken*** “Oooooh….yeah? Why was that?” I had absolutely no idea where to take this one, and to be honest a clown like me could have run amok with something like this and either made her hate me forever or call the cops, but I decided to play it nice and try to remain somewhat professional.
Louise: “Well, she was getting all matted and dirty and it was time to have it done.”
At this point, I think I’m starting to clue in, but am still not quite sure.
Me: “So, where would you go for something like that?”
Louise: “To PetSmart.”
Aaaahh, now it all makes sense, so get your heads out of the gutter, you filthy vagrants. But she still isn’t quite cluing in on what she actually said, and the guy who dropped the dumbells is listening in, now happy that this isn;t going to be an X-rated story with an obese 50-year-old lady discussing her personal hygiene rituals. I decide to this ball and run with it as far as I can go.
Me: “So she was a dirty and matted pussy? No one can like that.”
Louise: “Yes, and she was getting pretty upset with the mats and was not very happy with me.”
Me: “Oh, so she was an angry pussy?”
Louise: “Oh yes, quite angry.” At this point the guy on the bench next to us has his hand over his face and his shoulders are bouncing like crazy as he’s trying not to bust out laughing.
Me: “So when you took her in to shave her, did you go right down to the wood or leave some stubble behind?”
Louise: “Oh, we had to shave her right down to the skin.”
Me: “Did you get any cool designs like the kids are getting these days, like a lightning bolt or a Mohawk up her back?” At this point the guy next to us is starting to make some weird snorting sounds, and is fighting to try to control his laughing. I don’t think he could have stood if he had tried. I made it my mission right then and there to try to make him laugh so hard he either pissed his pants or threw up all over the place.
Louise: “Oh no, she doesn’t like those kinds of things, so we just shaved her right down to the skin.”
Me:”So, was she happy to get shaved or did she put up a fight?”
Louise: “Oh, she doesn’t like it at all. She wound up biting one of the groomers, and they just stopped shaving her and gave her back to me to finish myself.”
Me: “I’ve never heard of a pussy that bites back like that.” The guy is now turning a pretty dark shade of red all over, I don’t think he’s actually breathing whatsoever. I try to keep him going.
Louise: ” I had to try to finish the job myself, but she kept scratching me,a nd I think the scratches are beginning to get infected.”
Me: “Yeah, you never want to get an infection from an angry pussy. I think that’s what Ted Nugent meant with ‘Cat Scratch Fever’ “.
Louise: “Well, I just rubbed some cream on it a few hours ago, so hopefully it clears up on its own.”
Me: “I guess you wouldn’t want to go to the doctor with a possible infection you got from trying to shave and angry pussy. They might not understand that one all too well.” The guy next to me was pulling in breaths like a max weight squatter in between reps, barely getting anything, but I could tell he was on the ropes and probably about to go out, so I decided to let up, since the CPR class I took yesterday was full of crap. So I let it go and asked her what else she did that weekend. Nothing else was quite so exciting.
After we finished training and she left the gym, the guy who was on the bench was getting ready to leave and walked by me. As soon as he saw me he busted out laughing and said it was the absolute funniest conversations he had ever heard, and I mentioned that I saw him laughing and was purposely trying to make him laugh harder and harder by directing the conversation. He called me a bastard and said there would be a place in hell for guys like me, but reassured me that he hasn’t laughed like that in years, and I managed to make his day.