1. Since it’s Tuesday, it means it’s time to dance!!!
2. I just bought a new desk for the home office, and FINALLY moved an old desk that I’ve had since I was 6 into the basement and now have a fancy schmancy home office with matching furniture and everything. Check it out.
Straight up pimp-baller style, baybay!!!! Time to do anything I want, including, but not limited to, TAKING OVER THE WORLD *****cue the Pinky and the Brain theme music, and if you don’t know who Pinky and the Brain are, you are officially dead to me*****
3. In Edmonton, we’ve had a crap-load of snow this month, and for those wondering what the metric conversion is to a crap-load, it’s like Abe Simpson talking about fuel mileage in his car: “I get 40 rods to the hog’s head, and that’s the way I likes it!!!” The city has taken two weeks to clear about half the roads, meaning they have the organizational capacity of a clam. There’s a bylaw that says if you don’t clear your sidewalks within 48 hours, you can get fined. I have an idea: The city should clear the streets in 4 days or WE fine THEM by refusing to pay our taxes that year!!! Hahaha!!!!! That will show them. Mind you, if the government actually lived up to the standards they held the rest of the population up to, I think the entire world would actually implode on itself in a black hole of controversy and Chuck Norris spin kicks. I don’t know what that would be, but I know that it would be awesome.
4. I’m sitting here right now watching Rob Dyrdek’s Fantasy Factory, and he’s trying to pimp his trainer’s new fitness product, The iCore Cruncher. This sounds like a lot of the other fitness products out there that promise big and deliver very little.
Just buy some freakin weights and lift them, people!!! Save your money trying to get a six pack and stop buying all that shite out there like the Ab Rocket and the Sphincter Kicker and whatever-the-hell-else is out there that someone with a manufacturer on hold in China and a 30-minute spot on Fox in the coveted 1am-5am time slot. Grab something heavy, lifting in a bunch of different ways, get all hot and sweaty, swear to whatever God you believe in that you hate life and yourself and everything in creation because it hurts so much, eat real food once in a while, and repeat. If you’re so desperate to get abs that you resort to buying stupid crap like this, you deserve to have your house foreclosed because you thought a sub-prime mortgage was a good idea, and you bought an extended warranty on everything, including your CDs (not the player, the actual CDs), and you pay for expensive bottles of water because “they’re better for you.” Trust me, no one out there is going to get you quick abs, let alone 6-Second-Abs.
5. The bosses bosses boss asked me to co-present with him at the Toronto CanFitPro conference this year, 2 weeks after the big wedding. It’s pretty much going to be the same as a presentation I did in Vegas last year, which means this little guy is probably gonna have to steal the show. Ah, Vegas. I want to go back to your warm glowing warming glow yet again. Only 7 more weeks until we can hit the strip in style and enjoy weather that doesn’t involve nasty terms like windchill, arctic front, or below freezing. Why the hell do I live here again?? No one has ever answered me this question, but I keep right on asking it.
6. The Future is deathly afraid of garden gnomes. This is her biggest nightmare:
Every time she steps outta line I threaten to bring some of the little bastards home and sprinkle them around like potpourri. She does not get amused with this. Occasionally I take it too far and have to sleep in the garage. I tore the garage down three years ago, but she seems oblivious to this little detail.